Inspiration Thoughts

2006-06-25T15:17:00.000+08:00

The first thing I woke up today, laying on my bed I suddenly felt a surge of unprecedented feeling twindling within me... never had I felt so empty in my life. Today's the only day I was without any activities... I couldn't relate to what happened over the past few months as it seems to have pass over in a blink of a eyelash. I've managed to kept myself so occupied with work, alcohol, school, world cup even....that I thought my life was so fun filled, only till today I question myself of what I have achieved within this short span of my life? I couldn't answer. Although my everyday life has been so packed that I practically have no time for myself and yet today when I woke up to the sound of thunder I looked around the empty room and in midst of my own shadow there wasn't anyone that I can relate to.

I've let several good things pass on in my life that I failed to treasure, all because of myself. My inability to adapt to changes have since taken a toll on me. I felt lonely at times, very lonely that's why I often have to keep myself occupied with friends and friends of opposite sex, I long for companionship in soul comforting, but when opportunities present itself upon me, I'm unsure or afraid of accepting it. I'm afraid that things might be a repetitve cycle, and I'll be alone again to face the wrath. In fact I'm still grieving, and the worse thing is that I don't know what I'm grieving for, my pathetic soul? probably... anyway I've made up my mind to stop making myself feeling such a loser and a loather at times.

It's a good thing though, I've met up with her on several occassions and have seen her progressing and moving on towards her dreams. I felt consoled and yet however, I still see something in her eyes that spell reservation towards her current relationship... but however could be my own perception. I don't why it has been so bloody damn long and I'm still lingering with the fact that I still harbour the intention of her returning... it shouldn't be that way. I don't even dare to tell my friends that I couldn't accept certain girls because of her~! I'll be branded a big time loser by them... haha so you see all these after effects makes me think twice of another relationship.

Now I understand why gay rate is increasing at an alarming rate, haha. It's horrific to learn of my cousin turned gay just like that. I haven't spoken to him for so long and the last time I text him he told me that I was shocked. But anyway not to discriminate gay I still hope that one day he would wake up his idea and lead a normal life. anyway... today... really don't know what to write... So much have changed, even my fish changed! COLOUR! ahah

till then dudez
Cheers

Finally the truth is revealed...

2006-03-12T19:32:00.000+08:00

Sigh... it has been long... the last time I saw you before today was last year on Dec 26th . We met for a dinner just before my flight to Seoul. That was probably the last kiss and hug that you'll ever plant on me again. OH! How I miss that. After that day... we never met .. till today when we met up over lunch and the truth be revealed to me. The real reason that you initiated the break up.... this time round I accepted what you said. Cause all along, I have been questioning myself on what's the real reason behind our breakup... you never really explained it to me... you never did, you just left! To you..probably you thought I'm someone that could easily get over this relationship with, but the truth is not. It has been a long and painful struggle for even a flamboyant person like me... haha and now this excruciating truth reveal upon me left me licking at my wound once more.

I will honour my promise to you and never to reveal what actually happened to you these past 5 months, but let it be known... what you been through hurt me as much as the incidents that have hurt you. We're linked in a way, telepathy or what but I swore I know that you have been going through some bad patches even though you never did quite talk to me about it till today. Things between us have evolved till this stage... I really kick myself for not knowing the truth earlier... I could have changed the outcome! I would have! I would have forgiven you again, I would not let you go through that ordeal... I would have hit him for what he had done to you! Right now ... I'm left with an empty shell, no hope no desire to love anymore. For all these months, I've been suffering deep in me that one consoling factor that keep me going is that one day you would come back to me again.

You wouldn't believe what extent of pain and suffering I've been through for you, these few months while you're away, the room have been kept exactly the way it have been from the day you left. I don't know why? My mum have been naggin at me to put those photographs that we took together away, but I made up excuses to not put it away. And everynight while I'm by the study table reading notes , it's your memories that kept me through the night. I felt that you were there by me... sigh... it's no use saying all those things to you now my dear. For all the things that happened made you think that there's no more chance of us being together again.

I have been socialising now.. more than what I did when we were together but unfortunately none found the right chemistry that we both possessed. Today when I first saw you, I felt the initial urge to go hug you and let time stop at the moment and instantly I knew my feelings for you cannot be deceived. Before coming to meet you, I have told myself that everything have that we used to do together is of a past and that I'm only a friend to you. But the initial feeling was as strong, I was very excited to meet you, I felt very warm about seeing you smiling at me when you saw me by the stairway. The sun was blazing hot, but I need none of that to rekindle whatever feelings that I have for you. It was there all along, no matter how hard I reassure myself. I thought I could be just a friend with you, but the truth is ... I'm still very withdrawn to the fact that now I'm just a friend of you. I couldn't accept the fact of what you did to me and the sufferings that you put me through... and all for a promise that's so vague! How could you!!!!!

I really still miss you so much, yet all I could do now is to wish you all the best! thanks for the good 'o 5 years that you spent with me. It time to really let go of you in my heart...

Who am I waiting for?

2006-01-10T02:09:00.000+08:00

It's 02:20am in the morning as I begin to write my new post. Some mixed emotions have been stirring in me for a while, and I couldn't recall the last time I slept well anymore.... it has been too long. Today at this hour, I couldn't care less about grammartical errors as I'm just typing out what I'm feeling now at this point of time. I couldn't sleep as usual... it has been some sort of routine now for me. To try sleep at 12 and still find myself tossing and turning till 2:30,desperate for a call from anyone, it's like I'm waiting for a call that will never come.
Just who am I waiting for? Who am I trying to reach? I need some one to deliver me away from all these agonies that I'm facing. I'm really tired ... really tired. But I couldn't sleep.

Who can deliver me? myself ... myself... no one else would be able to help me. But it is at this time I thought of someone.... someone distant. She could help ... at least I wouldn't feel lonely and empty hearing her smiles and laughter. I know...but I couldn't possibly think of the consequences.

There's a few more I thought I could talk to ... him? neh.. seen him everyday!
I thought of her angelic smile once more... her heart warming kiss. She left me!

'O darling...
dwelling in the deep untouched wood of my heart
settling in the cold lake of my frozen heart
u await the gentle breeze that will sweep you away
forever .... away.

'O darling...
and the doves will weep for us
and the leaves will wither for us
and the rain will wash your presence away
forever.....away

The rain is falling again as I'm composing this...the sound of the water is soothing..... I could feel myself clensed. I miss you so much... my dear, my love one!

End 0240am

我饿了！第一篇

2005-12-13T23:49:00.000+08:00

这篇故事情节，描写着一位年轻无为的小伙子密名为杰克,而朋友见他对事对人都如此的认真和易触动真情便随口的叫他深情的Jack. 他为人正直和对事对人都有他自己的深感之处，就连一片落叶也会令他连想起许多伤感之事。故事发生在一座杰克最爱去的面条铺，这面条铺位于深在一片竹林里，店面对着一条小溪，环境悠闲的很。常常都有些著名的画家来光顾。

这天杰克带着一脸的忧愁来到了面条铺，他满脑子想着他近来的失恋状况，情绪肖有些不稳定，但他知道事情也已成定局。这天当他到了楼上坐在他最喜欢的位子时，杰克不禁的落下了他一生中的第九千九百九十滴眼泪。。。伤感的他往外面看了一看，一阵凉风往他脸上吹来，直入内心肺，杰可对这阵寒风做出了感叹。“今年的冬天来晚了呀。。”杰克悲叹。

他在回头看看那竹叶一片片的掉落更使他淘醉在他内心得感触，然而今天在一棵竹树下来了位老人家，那老人家仿佛在那落叶情景的陪奏下而拉起了他的二胡，边拉也边唱起了一首伤感肺腑的情歌。歌词“在很久很久以前，你拥有我，我拥有你，在很久很久以前，你离开我，去远空翯翔，外面的世界很精彩，外面的世界很无奈，当你觉得外面的世很精彩我会在这里衷心的祝福你。。。。” 杰克好是哀伤，接连的回想起他与小雨的那惊天动地爱情。。。“那难道你是真的忘记了吗？” 啊！！杰克问道。

这时注意他很久的那店小二听到他那最后的那问题以为是这熟客等的不耐烦而说来挖苦他的，因此他便急忙的打道而来准备为杰克点菜。“客官！你饿了吧？” 那店小二急忙问道。杰克话不多说看了看那脸戴一幅喜旺旺的店小二。。。在会头看了看那位还在拉和唱的起劲的老头，对自己笑了一下。。。“对。。。我饿了。这回我真的饿了！店小二也二话不说地赶紧跑去厨房，不到五分钟便从厨房出来，手里还捧着一碗热腾腾的酸辣面，摆在杰克的桌子而说道：“来碗酸辣面吧？”

杰克拿起了双筷子，开始吃起那面条来了。。。店小二见他吃的如此急忙便随口问问：“杰克！你从前都吃的很慢，为何今天却吃的如此冲忙？” 杰克便抬起头以最深情的目光回答：“我曾经拥有过一段美丽的爱情故事，我却开始怀疑他是否真实。。。在人的一生当中，常会有些醒不了的梦，挥不去的痛，只想一生不负人，不负我。而我已做到不负人，但被负的人却是自己呀！从前的我吃着这碗酸辣面能吃的出他那酸甜苦辣的四个主要滋味，那是因为我人生都有过这酸甜苦辣的过程，但如今我吃这碗面却只能吃的到苦和辣的滋味，因此我很想赶紧把它吃完免受这痛苦呀！”说完杰克在望了望外面的落叶长叹了一口气，便又开始吃起面来了。

店小二深知杰克心里该是受过些时间所无法泥补的一些心灵创伤，不知该如何去安抚着杰克只能为他那伤感的言语而悲叹这世界的无奈。。。。（持续）

2005-12-04T22:10:00.000+08:00

Although you are with someone else,
I want to have my say
Without invading your domain
Or scaring you away.

I respect the choice you made
And all that you decide,
But I would just like you to know
I want you by my side.

As a lake deep in a wood
Awaits a cool, fresh breeze,
I will wait, a patient eye,
While you do as you please.

They say first love is like playing with fire.. how true that is, and the best thing is that you have to experience it to realise how true it means. I was one of the victim of this absurdism, indulging and devoting my entire feelings and love for someone that now set my heart ablaze and bleeding continously. I have spent almost 5 years understanding her and doing what she so pleases, that didn't prove sufficient in keeping her by my side.

My journey starts with her, I wish to end with her. However, she opted to not end with me... I'm in the mid of the race now, close to the finishing line. I don't want to finish the race without her.. I have to halt my progress in search of the lost her, because sometimes we had our up and down and all I want is to make her realise how close she is to the destination.... our promised land. So why did she want to give up at this point?

I think this time... I really have to let her go, but could someone teach me how to start. It is breaking my heart everytime I tell myself to let go. Deep in me I know she has been the one that I want to spent my time with, deep in me I know she's my best friend, my best companion in life till date. Perhaps some might say probably I haven't got exposed to the world besides her.. but I don't think so. I always believe that when you really love someone you got to love her as a whole, be comfortable with her presence, and that is all I seek.

Perhaps I haven't been the best for her , but I have really given out my true feelings for her... she will always dwell in my heart for many more years to come, in hope that one day my love will come back to me as it once was... I miss her so much...

Mourning Mood!

2005-08-20T18:24:00.000+08:00

Whoever share the same mark sentiments in life as me deserve the worthy acknowledgement of me. I'm in a mourning mood today and also marks my first blog since decades I believe. I would like to thank once again to those loyal avid fans that;s still frequenting my blog. I have been burying myself with both work and studies, and yet till this day I still find my shortcomings in achievements in both. Ironical isn;t it? It seems whatever I do, I don't get the fair share of satisfaction that people enjoy over their accomplishments.... I just dont know how to be satisfied!

I have been pushed around, wanting to do more, see more, learn more, earn more... the pressure over me has been at a very high level. Relationships, career, studies, family, friends .... so on and so for, trying to weigh each of their weigtage and trying my best to not neglect any one. As to now I am at the level of breaking down I need a break somehow, I suddenly have the urge to leave everything here as it is, and go to a remote and unfamilar place to live in and start afresh. I need space for my own self, without having to spare any thoughts for people again ... just me and me alone.

I will be self centered, an individualist, idealist, a poetry and a cultured human being that appreciates any thing that is put in sight of me. Sigh....

Tonight there must be people who are getting what they want. I let my oars fall into the water. Good for them. Good for them, getting what they want.

The night is so still that I forget to breathe. The dark air is getting colder. Birds are leaving. Tonight there are people getting just what they need. The air is so still that it seems to stop my heart.

I remember you in a black and white photograph taken this time of some year. You were leaning against a half-shed tree, standing in the leaves the tree had lost. When I finally exhale it takes forever to be over.

Tonight, there are people who are so happy, that they have forgotten to worry about tomorrow. Somewhere, people have entirely forgotten about tomorrow. My hand trails in the water. I should not have dropped those oars. Such a soft wind....

Lovely isn't it. Yet not alot of my friends share the same sentiments I have in life. Yet life it seems is the most complex element that is evolving at different pace through different intepretations. Do we live a life? No, unfortunately we lead a life~ Have you ever notice that ... ? Question posed to you is often poised in such a way as to how you lead your life, but not live a life? Have we question our ability to live a life than to lead a life..?

We don't understand the complexity of life do we? But in fact god made it so simple for us that we forgotten how to live life! We hold the key to life~! Yet we are not wielding it as our weapon instead we rely and got restrained to the complexity that we superimposed on our own. Now that's ironic!!! Animals live life! They do not conformed to any taxations, houseloan, financial crisis, war(apart from some territorial struggle).

Wake up. Day calls you Wake up. Day calls you to your life: your duty. And to live, nothing more. Root it out of the glum night and the darkness that covered your body for which light waited on tiptoe in the dawn.

Stand up, affirm the straight simple will to be a pure slender virgin. Test your bodys metal. cold, heat? Your blood will tell against the snow, or behind the window. The colour in your cheeks will tell. And look at people. Rest doing no more than adding your perfection to another day.

Your task is to carry your life high, and play with it, hurl it like a voice to the clouds so it may retrieve the light already gone from us. That is your fate: to live Do nothing. Your work is you, nothing more.

All Russian Affairs!

2005-05-03T19:13:00.000+08:00

As the season of the English Barclaycard Premier League draws to a close, with Chelsea lifting of the cup as being eminent, the question is raised. Could this be a dawning of an new era to claim the premier league as its' playground or would it be a one season wonder? I guess the probability of the latter would be one is to a ten, and yet I am keeping the options to the speculations of the reader. Yet through my own observations I think Chelsea would be a major force to be reckoned with in both the domestic and in Europe. With the massive billions of the Russian Roubles that is being injected to the English club, it is hard to imagine what the Portugese magnifesto would consort to acheive within this "sky is the limit" budget. However, as the tabloid reports of Chelsea virtually buying success raves across the English landscape and to Singapore, my heart naturally goes to the fan of the blues. I mean they deserved the title more than any other teams does. Yet whiners and losers amidst of their jealousy spout nonsense to tarnish the well credible team that they have failed to match in terms of fianancial and tactical or should I say sheer class of football.

You see throughout this 2 years when Roman ,the man that Russia loathe and Londoners loves were at helm he push Chelsea to a level that has eluded them for 50 years. I believe that through all this years Chelsea supporters has nothing practically to cheer about, and of most recent the second place in EPL and a semi final appearance in Champions league was all it has to showcase in the last decade. And when they beat Bolton to win the EPL title since 1955, it was a day to be commemorable and celebrated for the justice of football or for the domestic scences of the English football. Yet fans of Man Utd or Arsenal that I know of truely do not appreciate the hard work of what the blues have acheived and instead they go on ranting that Chelsea bought the title. And the irony is that they themselves poured millions of pounds on players that in hope spur them on to another title winnings. So my point is to all fans that think Chelsea bought their way to glory to really sit down and think, some of you guys have had your fair share of glory just like mine though as it did not generate much publicity which chose to focus more on how Man U conceded the title to us in 1995. Through this last decade we have not seen another new title champion besides Arsenal and Man U so we should be welcoming this new Chelsea era with much anticipation, full of the Russian blood and the commitments of a true Russian patriot.

Roman Abramovich the richest man of Russia finally got his dividend after a two season lavish spending. Yet I would like to urge all the fans of Chelsea to give credits to the poor Russian peasant class and that some of his funds that he generated belong to these hard workers that sweat and bleed for the country. On the downfall of the socialism and through privatisation he made his millions and eventually billions, but we could not forget that these wealth were once government assets and Mother Russia's securitisations.As hence I do not condone to the fact that it was Abramovich's credit that bought Chelsea success, and it is only right that all Russians be given a fair share of credit afterall it was once their hardship that resulted in this fund. And i sincerely urge that Abramovich would spend more time in helping to rebuild Russia's economy or football scene than be seen in every Chelsea's match.

This is afterall not his root of origin and that the Russian football scence were in peril, and that he should give more than the meagre sponsorship of CSKA Moscow compared to Chelsea's. This incident has left me with more than a pinch of dissapointment and pain.

Yesterday Once More.

2005-03-12T21:02:00.000+08:00

Hi! I managed to some find some time to blog tonight, yet on this lonely night I am waiting to be filled up with love and companionship with my girlfriend. But I am afraid that this will not be happening as she went back to her home in Malaysia. I miss some of you guys out there especially those that has been frequenting my blog though I haven't been blogging!

2 months have passed with just a blink of an eye and so many things have happened. I have got a new job in ATDS(Aamer Taher Design Studio) when everyone is leaving there , such an irony. Karen one of an old friend of mine in poly works there, and she's leaving, along with a new friend in ATDS which I click with him quite well. I thought he was a subject to scruntiny after I know him better and his role in the co. He's afterall a good lad I believe, yet he has to go through such an ordeal. My heart goes out to him James. Right now I am feeling the immense pressure that my boss has put on me, hoping that I can fill Karen's role in the company. Oh why do you have to leave Karen? Nonetheless, I have decided to brace myself through until the day which they deem that I cannot make it or what so ever. Also I did rather bad for my 2nd test and hated it.

Amidst all these on going commotions on my job security and my school work I chose to take some time off to devote myself to some music in search of some inner sense of comforting. I usually do not have any specific type of music that I go for, and I listen to differnet type of music depending on my mood, eg; light Jazz which I prefer during a sleepy Sunday after noon, some oldies might fits in well too. Recently I developed a special liking to Karen Carpenter's songs which I did not pay any attention to in the past, I do not know why, yet now I find her song like a soothing lullaby that hoax a child to sleep. It's so 70's! And their song have meaning that's of such significance to me. I like their famous hits Yesterday Once more, and What The World Needs Now. If you pay attention to their lyrics you'll find the song of immerse consolation, I don't know for any of you but it sure does have effect on me.

I feel like I belong to the seventies now, seriously how nice if I am in the seventies. Bell bottom jeans, with tight shirts that's tucked in to the waist, shoes that shines so bright that you'll have to put your shades on. Hair combed to the liking of John Travolta, or Elvis, with a Background music of Frank Sinatra that kind of mood. Heading to pick up your date in your dad's old Volks, after persuation of topping up the gas for him. Wow! I'll l bring my date to the high school prom, drive in to see King Kong, and eat cheap pop corns and cola. We'll drive past the likes of Marilyn Monroe's poster by the side walk before stopping at some burger joints where we'll have cheeseburger and malt till we throw up!

That's the Broken dream of the boulevard by Greenday that's playing behind the background as I finish typing. Have faith in what so ever that we do and persist. Reward comes after perserverance. Take care and Chaoz!

Now is my Prime!

2005-01-07T15:05:00.000+08:00

As the years goes by, I am beggining to feel more and more uncertain inside of me. I could not relate to any of my effervescent old self any more than to the current worn and dejected self. What a big difference one might put it, as the last 3 years of my life had been full of hardships and mental tortures and the only thing that kept me going was my preserverance. A preserverance to perhaps a surrealism... Friends have come up to me and is still coming up to me on a regular basis saying .., "oh you have aged alot , there is no longer the humourous sense in you anymore. You are nothing much more than a mere shadow of your former self." Just like a great footballer that once drew the audience's breath with its' breathtaking ball skills, sadly the drugs and alcohol consumed his talent and he was relegated to a lower divsion footballer. If you can relate this example to what I have been through, you would have understand the pain that has tormented me for the past 3 years or more.

Just why have I slipped into such depression? You can say I am one such person that could not affliate as to why, it just came suddenly, and deprived me of my contendation self. I begin to compare and question my own abilities based and judging on the achievements of others. And as the comparisons got on further..... I began to see myself lagging behind and yet still making those lame jokes that once fed on the laughter of others. Friends seem like an intriguing factor, as if they were scheming or plotting against me, Society seems to distant away from me ... I have no one to turn to for comfort or consolation yet I know there is one source of light, amid all these struggles against my own discontent.

I fully understand that this source of light in my already darkened sphere is the only light source that I can depend on, yet I know that this is also one of the main contributing factor to my gloomy surroundings. It is rather conflicting to some or maybe complicated but it is this light that shone me throughout this ordeal and I am grateful for it. How I wish I could stop comtemplating with the meaning of my life and start to work on a better tomorrow. After the dark ages of my life I have found the true meaning to life which I often told my friends yet I myself have forsaken it. The true meaning of life is not one that makes out of it, it is based upon how much you achieve in life along the unpaved journey that matters. It is often not about individualists, but the person around you that you spread the auora of happiness and sadness to.
So why inflict all this unnecessary sorrows and worries in my life?

That is the greatest piece of evidence of unpredictable human nature. A species that no other being can understand. A self indulgence yet self conflicting character I am. No doubt I often indulge in the beauty of being loved and companionships but through all this indulgences it unseemingly derive a form of social uncertainty which forms in my unchartered mind. Always mind evaluating on issues after issues and always reverting to where it started. I am circling my mind of thoughts, thoughts that cannot be erased through sheer time, and problems that cannot be solved through mere assurances.

What I am undergoing now is the most critical process into my goal setting phrase. A process if not dealt with carefully will by means end castrophically. I am at this stage that any decisions be it spurned at the last moment or momentarily prepared, will be interlinked with a chain reaction. I have sorted out my thinkings and have begin working things out. The one major step forward is my persistancy in acquiring a higher tietiary education in preparations for the uncertain economy that will hull over the top of even Top CEOs. And the best way to deal with it, is to understand how the economy works and by enrolling myself into a bachelor programe in Economics clearly underline my intention in tackling this issue.

Besides attaining an assurance in studies, I certainly hope to sort things out right in my career too. No doubt I have been offered with job opportunities from other field of aspect and some offers came with high temptations, but I am not going to rush into another decision making frenzy. I am going to slowly evaluate the opportunities and prospect of each and every job offer that is on my table. Right now I am in control of my life and emotions and I believe my prime has yet to be seen, and I am working on it.

Ultimate devastating Disaster!

2004-12-29T16:10:00.000+08:00

I believe everyone's mind and attention is drawn to the aftermath of the great tidal waves that sent more than a 100000 souls to the kingdom of heaven and it is still counting, not to mention thousands more sprawling in the ground in desperate needs for a relieve of their pains and sorrows. My heart goes out to those who are struggling in life after this natural disaster, survivors of this epic disaster and families of those that were wiped out in a single morning. This disaster may not enter into the record books for the most powerful quakes in history, but it will undoubtly bring along memories that all will never forget. It has to be the storm the caused the most devastating casualties. 100000 lives perished within a moment when at a time it seems so peaceful in the morning. I can not help but relinquished to the fact that has taken hold of me. Being totally consumed and drained of my mental strength, I could not muster enough courage to face the sea again. *(And the thought of me sitting at the edge of a pier facing the sea in East Coast on that same fateful day drinking Baron with some innocent friends{TB,CUNNING,LIANG YOU,PHYLLIS} send shivers down my spine)*. I will not attempt that near suicidal stunt again! And that silly thought of getting a nice house near the sea? I'll think again.

As you can see from this picture courtesy of MSNBC, the 9.0 scale quake erupted under water and the ripple effects rock through the countries coastline. Among the worst hit countries are Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, Indonesia. This picture gives you a better understanding of where and how Singapore is so safe. We are basically the so called "untouchables" through geographical theories. Our geopgraphical location is everything beneficial to us. We lie under the harbour of the peninsular Malaysia and in the arms of the sumatra islands. The death toll may arise to over 100000 soon... the effect of this disaster doesn't just stop here, it goes on to bring about dieseases and sicknesses due to lack of water and food stuff like that. Nobody currently know where the death toll stops and how much damages have been inflicted upon these already vulnerable governments.

These countries are not at all prepared much less equiped with the rescue operation, hence they rely on alot of foreign help. You can practically hear the cash register ringing non stop as billions of dollar flow with the waves back into the sea, the exact amount of financial damage is uncertain. With scenes of helpless woman hugging their dead ones peirced through my heart as though thousands of needles going through. We can never know what they have been through, no matter how you said you understand how they feel.. but the truth is not~! 100000 people perished or maybe more... what can we say about this tragedy? Did we really inflict upon this ourselves? Are we indirectly responsible for their death? Some may argue yes some may argue no. Personally I feel we are indirectly responsible for their death. Global warming has been on the red alert yet we continue with our daily dosage of pollutions despite knowning the adverse effects it will inflict on us. Well the rich got richer with these pollutions going on... so they would not care. At most when things happen like these they would just donate out fraction of their wealth as a gesture of good will, and continue what they do best!

What we will witness in the next few days would be what they called the biggest humanitarian relief operation. I have read latest reports that stats reported death toll amount to 100000 in Aceh alone, resulting in a ceasefire with Indonesia as the army is too busy with the relief operations. The Aceh capital Bandah is filled with bloated decomposed corpses and if not deal carefully, outbreak of diseases could be widely spread.

"These figures about deaths are only count of bodies in hospitals, but we can see bodies everywhere on roads, inside buildings, buses, trains and even in the sea. Thousands of people and hundreds of vehicles are in the sea and we can still see floating buses in deep sea." D. Indika, Colombo, Sri Lanka

I dare not imagine what else await us in future. Could another massive disaster greater than this befall on us? One that no country can avoid? I believe this is a gentle reminder to us mankind that an insurgency has befallen on us...

Time! Our Greatest Enemy.

2004-11-16T19:33:00.000+08:00

Time flies like no other plane does.., It leaves you behind with endless memories to dwell on, events of significance to ponder, constant sorrows of despair and pain, and endless supplies of the impaling facts of our ageing surface. What is time? Can we really define what is time? I am so confuse... by the surrounding representations of time. Clockes and watches... merely state the time of that was prefixed and derived through observations of the sun and the moon. Yet the true interpretation of time remain unexplain and uncertain. The overwhelming questions that rake through my mind these days provoke me to tap into this topic undauntingly.

Time can be so frightening as it takes no prisoner and it is the only one thing that I, or shall I say we mankind do not possess as capital. It is a continous element at work, that is also constantly making you aware of it's existence, and thus unveiling in front of you it's frightening factor that we cannot hide or run. Hence, we tend to ignore this crucial element in our livelihood in hope that one day we do not have to face the grievance aspects that time will eventually bring.

Time can bring rise to a powerful nation, and bring fall to it. It can bring rise to dominance of a species, and can bring fall to it. It can bring rise to fame of a person and can bring fall to it. Through the tickling of the timeline we find ourselves falling prey to it's ever hungry appetite. Every now and then we turn around to witness the evidents of fallen civilisations that once stood mighty, the fossils of dinosaurs that was the dominance species hundred millions of years ago, the once famous celebrities that was reduced to mere passerbys...! How has this happen? The infamous culprit has to be time himself, as he is more frightening than Death himself!

I have in time fallen prey to him, engage in the constant battle for which I am destined to lose, I found myself battling in vain and the more I challenge it the more I find myself drowning in the midst of the ocean with no room for breath and space for manouevers. All I can do is to extend my hands helplessly out of the water in hope of someone pulling me out, and that person will be God himself. Only he has the power to override any elements that he has created. I said this in a religious point of view, yet people will come to question the authourities of the gods that we pray to regardless of whether is it Christianity or Buddhism. Are they the results of our eternal battle between us and time and that we human are trying to justify our cause of living, or are we looking for alternatives to believe that we live in control of our time and the religions set us back into a belief that there is life after death?

All we could say is that the ancestors of our kind has given us hope, that life will not be of only despair but also a room for of loves and care for each other. I sincerely believe that no matter how powerful or great one mortal is.. that they will never, ever be able to strike down this one great nemesis. All we can do now is to preserve and protect our soverignities and hopes, for our future martyrs in engaging this eternal war for as long as He allows us to live....

Final Chapter of Mr Yasser Arafat.

2004-11-12T13:33:00.000+08:00

Today we saw the body of Mr Arafat body flown to Cairo where he was born. He was 75, a figure of influential that we pay tribute to? Or a figure of a fading insignificance? You decide. He once quoted this in the Oslo peace accord back in 1993," The battle for peace is the most difficult battle of our lives." And indeed we saw Mr Arafat in the end did not achieve the goal that he has spent a life time pursuing. Mr Yasser Arafat, known throughout the world as the face of the Palestinian national movement, alternately played the roles of guerrilla, diplomat and would-be peacemaker for more than five decades. Throughout his political life, he is best remembered as an indecisive man as a politician and an indecisive man as a relovutionary. He rose to prominence when he waged war with Israel and his name was directly and indirectly responsible for terrorism.

He was born in Cairo in 1929 and as a boy lived with his uncle at Jerusalem then a British Mandate of Palestine. After the World War II, the UN divided Palestine into a Jewish state and a Arab state. The Arab nations rejected the plan and on the declaration of Israel state in 1948 by a Zionist, the nations of the Arab countries invaded Israel. Syria, Eypyt , Iraq, Jordan, Lebanon took part in the invasion but was repelled by Israel. It was only the first of the three wars that the Arab nations waged against Israel which highlighted their military dominance in the region.

Yet Mr Arafat become increasingly involved in his commitment of Palestine, smuggling arms for liberation fighters and setting up a group Fatah which he was chairman in it. It was first active in Jordan and organizing guerilla warfare against the Israelis... and in 1969 the Israelis counterattacked and drove the Fatah out of Jordan. However, after a year he became the chairman of the PLO( Palestine Liberation organization) and he pledged increased arm support for liberation and raised the Palestine profile by rejecting settlements with the Israelis. He proclaimed that the PLO is the only legitimate organization representing the Palestinian people and is accepted by the Arab League.

In 1982 the Israelis went after Mr Arafat in Lebanon where Mr Arafat is active after his defeat in Jordan. The Israelis invaded Lebanon and reached the capital in Beirut and drived Mr Arafat and PLO out of Lebanon forcing them to flee to Tunis. Mr Ariel Sharon current Israel prime minister and then defense minister ordered his assassination 13 times but he managed to escape and continue his campaign. Mr Arafat had this amazing ability to get sympathy with the UN. And in a Geneva convention in 1988 saw Israel declaring an independent state in West bank and Gaza, and the PLO declaring the rights to exists for Israel.

1993 marked the high point for Arafat the diplomat when he shook hands with Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin at the White House to seal the Oslo accords, granting the Palestinians limited self-rule in the Israeli-occupied territories.

Six months later, he made a triumphant return to Gaza after a 27-year exile. Shortly after, in 1994, he shared the Nobel Peace Prize with Rabin and Israeli Foreign Minister Shimon Peres. But not everyone accepted Arafat as a peacemaker. Yet despite his efforts and contribution, violence did not dipped and yet it escalates to the present moment, and the analysts were quick to suggest that it all boils down to the fact that Mr Arafat is one of those typical Arab leaders that came from the post British Colonial period and saw his struggle as a parochial one which he did not put into context what the world was going on.

The 2000 year saw Mr Arafat rejecting a settlements with then Israel Prime Minister Mr Ehud Barak in camp David, the results were castrophic. By then, Arafat was no longer the sole spokesman of the Palestinian people. Other groups had gained prominence, most notably Hamas, the organization that has claimed responsibility for dozens of terror attacks against Israeli civilian and military targets. The group's prominence rose during the intifada of the 1980s, a popular uprising that grew outside of Arafat's control.

After Camp David, Arafat was increasingly isolated from the peace process. Under pressure from the United States, he ceded some power over the Palestinian Authority's day-to-day workings and allowed a prime minister to be appointed.
Twice in 2002, Israel besieged his West Bank headquarters in Ramallah in response to an escalation in Palestinian terrorist attacks.

In the year of his death, Arafat's world had shrunk to the size of his compound in Ramallah. The Palestinian leader feared exile by Israel if he were to leave. Yet even before Arafat's death, there were symbolic signs of change, like Arafat's empty chair at the executive meeting of the PLO. The two men who are now running the government - former Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas and the current Prime minister Ahmed Qorei, have reputations as moderates. Activists outside the Palestinian leadership were looking at Arafat's death as an opportunity to push for reforms , open and accountable government, elections, and reforming of the Palestinian security services, that Arafat fought against for years

He led his people in the battle of freedom and independence and peace, which were supposed to be scattered and extinct in this century, but President Arafat and his movement and revolution managed to keep his people united and national identity preserved....

A new America? Unlikely!

2004-11-10T13:54:00.000+08:00

Hey it has been awhile since i last updated any posts. I have been busy with work and some social activities, less i was also drawn to the US presidential election which i followed closely. Gosh.. It got to be one of the most watched election of my life time thanks to the power of the media. The presidency was settled when Senator Mr Kerry conceded that they do not have enough votes to win at Virginia, which means another 4 more years for Mr Bush to carry on his duty as President of the United States. The extended reign in office spells trouble to the countries in the middle east torn apart by centuries of ongoing war and conflicts, adversing in the east was widely welcomed by the leaders apart from a few in minorities which i believed... notably ex Malaysian PM Dr Mahathir.

Nonetheless, his victory would means America will remain friendly with the asia pacific and will carry on free trade with Singapore. Also it will means his continous campaign in restoring peace in the middle east and getting rid of terrorism and to restore liberty for the world. His first 4 years saw Mr Bush led America through the horrifc experiences of the 9/11 event, waged 2 controversial wars (Afghanistan, Iraq), the domestic airlines upheaval which never did revive due to the 9/11 castrophic aftermath, maintaining neutral to the Palestine and Isreali conflict, the souring of relationships with Germany and France, the rising tension between Pongyang and Tehran and so much more. His first four years saw Mr Bush projecting himself as a strong leader of both the United States as well as an influential figure to the world. Although he was widely criticised by medias and countries of his invasion in Iraq which is more likely to base on personal grudges on Mr Saddam then the actual fact reported which is the WMD(Weapon of mass destruction), he stood firm on his beliefs and that actually is the quality of a good president. One that act accordingly to his own beliefs and the interest of the public masses. Nonetheless, he led an multinational force after weeks of rallying his support with meek evidences of WMD in Iraq and without the UN conventional support he toppled Saddam Husein and eradictated the Baath party.

The world now is at war between the Islamic extremists and democracy. It has shifted from the past threat which mainly comes from socialist states then to the current terrorists operating in cells. The extremists, separatist have drawn down the curtain of the communisms and raised their own in the world theatre. It is an urgency that down play right into Mr Bush administration. He projected himself both as a hard liner which is not intermedated by these terrorists and as the leader of this major shift, an evolutionised warfare and lead us into battle with these terrorists. He proclaimed a total "victory" in Iraq, yet through recent news of the latest Fallujah events and the constant kipnappings and beheading of diplomats only means one thing, that it is still an ongoing campaign rather than a victory.

I hope through another 4 years in office, Mr Bush will realised that the results will be another castrophic ending if he continue the way he initially did against the Taliban which was very successful, but he must understand the fact that the Al-Queda organisation is not to be extermediated with military forces... it can only be resolved with peaceful negotiations and reviewing of his foreign policy. He must look into the root of the conflict which the Israel and Palestine issue is the key to most conflicts , the military presence in Saudi needs reviewing and if he said that Mr Saddam is a dangerous man, then what about Mr Kim Yung II in the North? He has to address all these agendas in order to acheive results that the world has long been deprived. Liberating Iraq, they must face the consequences that might not be optimistic. Alot of countries is beggining to feel depleted of their resources with 2 back to back war, and facing intense home pressure to bring home the troops, hence it wouldn't suprised me if countries start pulling out.

As hence it does not really matter to me who is the president of US but it is the emergency of the issues that need to be addressed and what will be the affiliated outcome towards the world economy?

2004-11-06T21:44:00.000+08:00

Took some time off to write about my only love of my life. She is Phyllis. I have known her for 5 years and have been together for almost 4 years already. She is both a good friend and a great companion of mine, and I treat her with upmost respect more than any one could imagine. She may seems silly at times but her talent and devotion to the practise of Architecture cannot be doubted. She feeds on basically .... her work? If anyone were to ask me if i know of any true workaholic or if workaholics does exist... I would without a second thought point my finger to her and say.." you're looking at one now." We have been through some dark patches in our cycle of love life, but it is often the process of a stronger bond between the two of us. We have been through hardships and difficult tides, yet we rode through those obstacles that lies in the path of our promised land.

2004-10-28T20:29:00.000+08:00

A portrait of the Russian royal family painted by Polish-German artist R.M. Lisiewska in the year 1756. Peter III standing and his wife Catherine II and their 2 year old son Paul, who died at the age of 4.

The Bolshevik Revolution.

2004-10-26T21:40:00.000+08:00

Today due to the overwhelmingness to share with you my passion and study in the Russian history, I have decided to speak on the topic of the October 1917 revolution led by the undisputed father of all communism, Vladimir LLyich Lenin. Russia has been a country that's often been badly misinterpreted by many that i've come across knowing. It's often been clouded with mysteries and seems to be awaiting for true interpreters to unveil it to the world. Thus in an evening of June 2002, sparkled into interest of exploiting it through a close associate of mine I have decided to walk in to the library and borrowed my first book based on russian history and has since never looked back. Through my 2 and a half years of relentless reading and researches I have gained a base knowledge of it's system and society based on the Romanov Dynasty and the Soviet system that will be touched on later.
As we know the Imperialist Russian empire was built on a foundation of working peasants and agriculture was their main source of production. Yet the ever decaying of the imperialist set the nation into a state of peril and poverty. The govenrnment was weak and inferior to it's neighbouring European powers that boast advanced Military might acheived through their domestic reforms on industrialisation. Their military incapabilities was further highlighted by their defeat to the Japanese in the Russo-Japanese War (1904-05), a military conflict in which a victorious Japan forced Russia to abandon its expansionist policy in the Far East, becoming the first Asian power in modern times to defeat a European power.
Russia didn't really recover from this defeat which only added more domestic pressure on the government's foreign and home policies, it's ailing economy due to war and flood spark the discontent of the peasantry class which led to the abdiction of Nicholas II and mark end of the Romanov monarch.
The October Revolution in 1917, gave birth to the Soviet state. It took place in an undeveloped country and this has a significant impact on the nature of the state which emerged. The Bolsheviks, who launched the successful bid for power were sure of their stand for a socialist system. Lenin their leader, was convinced that Karl Marx had arrived at a definintive analysis of world history and that , by following his writings, the bolsheviks would succeed in building a new society in Russia. This would be true not only of the Soviet state, and that the whole world would eventually become a Marxist socialist. To Marx, capitalism would inevitably collapse and socialism take over . Hence Lenin used Marx as an inspiration but had to find their own route to the promised land.
Given the fact that imperial Russia was an autocratic state , only just beginnng the process of industralization and the move to represent institutions and democracy, it was inevitable that the new Bolshevik state would borrowed heavily from the old regime. In October 1917 Lenin proclaimed that a new state had come into one, one being ruled by soviets, hence it was called Soviet Russia and from 1922 renamed Soviet Union.The Bolsheviks set up their government which mirroed very closely to the imperial government. There was a People's commisariat(ministry) for internal affairs , foreign affairs and finance and so on. Lenin chose to be head of the new government and remained so until his death in 1924.

2004-10-22T22:05:00.000+08:00

A very interesting poster which i sourced from the internet. This poster exist at an era of socialism in Russia. This poster expressed the Soviet propaganda of watchful eyes, readiness to defend the gained socialism.